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Top 10 Movie & TV Boyfriends February 19, 2009

After a fun conversation with my buddy Sam, here’s my list of Movie and TV Boyfriends that I have loved (So it’s technically a Top 20; I have too many boyfriends to squash them into one list). It’s at random, boys, so don’t fight. I love you all equally!


1.Han Solo – ‘Star Wars Trilogy’ – It was a tough choice between Han and Indy but since ‘Star Wars’ was my first introduction to the male phenomenon that is Harrison Ford, I’ll go Solo (Haha! My, aren’t we having fun already?) There’s a difference between a ‘Bad Boy’ and a ‘Rascal’ and Solo is the latter. A rascal that I used to dream would call ME ‘Your Worship’ and ‘Your Highness’ in a deliciously sarcastic way. He helps defend the rebellion, keeps that hunk of junk in the sky and always has time for a good old flirt. Like so–
Han Solo: You like me because I’m a scoundrel. There aren’t enough scoundrels in your life.
Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I’m a nice man.
Princess Leia: No, you’re not.

Cue big smooch and a jealous sigh from me.

2.Bill and Ted – ‘Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure’ – I’m not being greedy-you can’t have one without the other, they come as a package and it’s hard to choose (OK, Keanu has the edge but only slightly). They may not have even half a brain between them but my Mum used to say that it was better to be lucky than smart. And these guys are REALLY lucky. And I want to meet Napoleon…

3.Lloyd Dobler – ‘Say Anything’ – I believe most women aged 30-40 can be separated into two camps: The ‘Jake Ryan’ girls and the ‘Lloyd Dobler’ girls. Similar to the ‘Beatles/Stones’ thing, you can like both but there’s one you love MORE. For me, it’s Lloyd Dobler by a mile – the shameless romantic who puts his heart right there on his sleeve and gets it all kinds of tore up as a result. In his own words, “I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen”. But in the end, he gets the girl. A statement that flies in the face of the falsehood that nice guys finish last. And, no, Diane Court, you don’t deserve him.

4.Lucky Jackson – ‘Viva Las Vegas’ – I love Elvis movies. They’re so silly but if you leave logic at the door, they’re some of the best fun you can have while sitting still (foot-tapping is optional but I dare you not to bop along a little bit). In this, Lucky is a racecar driver/singer who puts the moves on Ann-Margret. And that’s about the size of it. A great time and some movies are supposed to be just that – A Great Time. Apparently they had an affair while making this and it’s obvious. Elvis at his hip-shakin’ best.  (I went to a showing of this fairly recently in a cinema and nobody talked;  they just clapped, stomped their feet and sang along. It was great.)

5.Dr. Ray Stanz – ‘Ghostbusters’ – To be fair, Ray gets more wrong than he gets right (I’m very objective about my boyfriends, I love them but I’m aware of their faults) HE wants the crappy firehouse building, HE buys the lemon that will become the ‘Ectomobile’, HE says “get her!” in the library and HE almost destroys the planet by thinking of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. But how could anyone not love that expressive, enthusiastic, puppy-dog face??? As Peter Venkman says, Ray is the heart of the Ghostbusters. (Venkman’s the mouth and Egon is the brain but this is about emotion so Ray’s the man for me.)

6.Phil ‘Duckman’ Dale – ‘Pretty In Pink’ – Why Molly Ringwald thought it was better that her character ended up with Andrew McCarthy’s, I will never understand and I don’t want to. The story goes that, in the original script, Ringwald’s ‘Andie’ was supposed to ride off into the sunset with Cryer’s ‘Duckie’ at the prom but she kicked up a fuss and pouted like a little bitch until John Hughes changed the ending. Now Jon Cryer is on the number 1 sit-com in America (however bad it may be) and where are you, Miss Molly? On some cable show that I wouldn’t watch if I was held at gunpoint. It’s the real-life showbiz equivalent of the revenge of the nerd. Cash those checks, Duckie!

7.Snipeshooter – ‘Newsies’ – I liked this kid so much, I convinced him to move in with me and be my REAL boyfriend.  He’s a smoker too and an aficionado of cigars that cost a quarter, which I like. And I fully support his idea that a crooked politico would increase newspaper sales. After all, headlines don’t sell ‘papes – Newsies sell ‘papes.

8.Ferris Bueller – ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’ – The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, Bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads – they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude. So do I. Anyone not agree? Anyone? Anyone?

9.Shaun – ‘Shaun of the Dead’ – To be really honest (this will probably offend some ladies but so be it) the biggest weapon in a girl’s arsenal when faced with a horde of zombies is a jilted man who’s still in love with you and wants to win you back. Let’s face it; most of the world’s great innovations and acts of bravery have been attempts to impress a girl. There would be no rock music if some skinny, pockmarked guy didn’t pick up a guitar in the hope of scoring some chicks (Keith Richards! I’m looking at you!) Shaun doesn’t just want to survive ‘Z-Day’, he wants to survive AND get Liz to be his girlfriend again. Flowers and chocolates? Pah. I want a normal bloke who’s willing to risk life and limb to make sure I’m safe and Shaun proves his ‘boyfriend worth’ by stepping up to the plate when it matters. Even if he ends up taking Liz to the same old local pub while doing it.

10.Clark Kent – ‘Superman’ – So he’s Superman – that is not without its charms. The flying is cool, I like to travel and hate airports so that’s appealing – but Clark is such a peach. He dithers, fumbles, stutters and his glasses keep falling off his nose. Even though he’s the Man Of Steel, in his alter ego he’s vulnerable and I want to look after him. And he’s so chivalrous; he arranges for half his paycheck to be sent to his dear gray haired mother (“Actually, she’s silver haired”, he corrects Lois Lane). Besides, personally I’ve always thought that it’s much more fun to try and get a ‘Good Boy’ to do naughty things than to turn a ‘Bad Boy’ good. Heh-heh-heh…


1.Conan O’Brien – ‘Late Night with Conan’ – He wrote for The Simpsons. He hired Max Weinberg, Andy Richter and La Bamba. He incorporates Mr. T in skits. He has hair that defies gravity and its dumb laws. He has figured out how to interview celebrities without sucking up to them (Hello, Leno!) but is never rude (Hello, Letterman!). He is the MAN.

2.Spike – ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ – The ‘Buffyverse’ is an embarrassment of riches when it comes to potential boyfriend material. Xander, Oz, Gunn, Wesley, Angel (has that pesky ‘no sex’ thing, though) and Giles – don’t even try and say you haven’t thought about it if you watched this show! – but they all pale in comparison to William the Bloody. Not so much a ‘Bad Ass’, he’s classified under the heading ‘Own Worst Enemy’. A Mama’s boy turned vampire, he’s a completely devoted partner (“I gave her beautiful jewels and beautiful dresses- with beautiful girls in them! And it still wasn’t enough”), writes poetry, wears a cool coat and is really funny -
Buffy – What are you doing here? 5 words or less.
Spike – Out. For. A. Walk….Bitch.
It’s better if you watch him say it:

Edward Cullen really does suck, next to Spike.

3.Dr. Simon Tam – ‘Firefly’ – Keeping in the Joss-vein, we come to ‘Firefly’. Most ladies like Mal Reynolds, AKA ‘Capt. Tightpants’ and I can see why; I’m not blind. However, like Kaylee Frye, I’m more interested in the quiet, cerebral, focused Simon Tam. And, again like Kaylee, I just know that under those fancy-pants clothes and refined manners is a wild man waiting to emerge. But, unlike Kaylee, that sister of his ain’t living with us because she is completely crazy.

4.Fonzie – ‘Happy Days’ – Probably the only guy who could snap his fingers at me and not end up with broken ribs. Why? Because he’s cool, that’s why. When it comes to the Fonz, it’s like Descartes – “I am, therefore I’m cool”. There is no question, squares.

5.Jim Halpert/ Tim Canterbury – ‘The Office’ – I’m including both since they’re essentially the same character. Jim/Tim is too smart for his job, too scared to leave and too insecure to come out and tell the receptionist that he’s mad about her. Until he does. He’s a regular guy with a big heart and if I were his girlfriend, we would put off buying a house until he went back to college and figured out what he really wants to do with his life. In return, I’d get an awesome, well-rounded fella who thinks I’m great. Sounds fair.

6.Joel McHale – ‘The Soup’ – It’s that he’s so right-on with his comments that help him get away with saying the most caustic stuff on TV and prevents him from coming across as a ‘soup-eriour’ douche (Getit?! Sorry…). It also helps that he makes fun of himself too; dressing up as ‘Rainbow Brite’ for a fake movie trailer, being beaten up by someone wearing tampon-suit and getting involved in a joking clip war with Keith Olberman (“You have a respectable news show, Mr. Olberman. I host an E! Program where we feature skanks and losers. Bring it on; we have all the time in the world. Sucka”). Although I’m glad he still lowers himself to continue hosting a show on the E! Channel, I wish he’d been the one to replace Conan instead of the now snooze-worthy Jimmy Fallon. (Prove me wrong, Fallon! Prove me wrong. I really want to eat my words cos I was a fan!)

7.Andy Samberg – ‘SNL’ – Andy has a big nose and stupid hair but he’s such a laugh. He has saved the current run of ‘SNL’ from being completely rubbish with his ingenious Digital Shorts, songs and off-beat impressions – “Hi, I’m Mark Whalberg and I’m gonna talk to some animals”. He made me like Justin Timberlake! I HATED Justin Timberlake!!! He would make me ‘Jizz in my Pants’ if I was capable of such a thing.

8.The Doctor – ‘Doctor Who’ – A time and space  traveling alien from the planet Gallifrey who usually picks up human girls to accompany him on his adventures in the TARDIS, ummm, where do I sign up? With The Doctor, you’re never sure what you’ll get – he could look like Tom Baker, William Hartnell or David Tennant – but that’s the chance you take;  no relationship is perfect. If I did get the choice, I’d take the 8th incarnation (Paul McGann). Dreamy looking with just the right amount of ‘quirk’ and no Sarah-Jane, so I wouldn’t have to compete. Plus, McGann played ‘I’ in ‘Withnail and I’. He’s ALWAYS going on holiday by mistake. I confess, while I’ve never been a ‘car groupie’, I have a thing for guys with a time-travelling telephone box. I still want to meet Napoleon…

Some completely awesome and super-cool person came up with this, a mash-up of two of my TV character-boyfriends:

9.Jack McCoy – ‘Law and Order’ – Jack McCoy always gets his man. He can have me too if he wants. I realize there’s a big age gap but The Doctor (see above) is 904 years old, so, in perspective, it doesn’t seem too bad. Whatever. I fancy Sam Waterston. It’s my column.

10.MacGyver – ‘MacGyver’ – Need your garbage disposal fixed? No problem! Give him some chewing gum and a bit of twine and…Done! Busted radiator? Crack an egg over that puppy and…. Voila! Have some secret documents you just HAVE to get out of hostile territory without the use of firearms? I have one word for you, Missus – MacGyver! He may sport a mullet but his skills more than make up for that. He lives on a houseboat too, which I think is kind of sexy. When my parents banned TV for a time when I wasn’t doing well in school, I used to walk 2 miles to my aunt’s house in the rain to watch this show. Now, that’s love.

Thank you to the people who make these videos. You illustrate my point.

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