"OK, this should be interesting..."

Some tunes have been overlooked in the ‘Love Song Department’, maybe because they weren’t sung by Richard Marx or Mariah Carey. Here’s 10 I’d prefer to be played over the 100 millionth spinning of ‘Everything I Do’ - which would result in a murder/suicide. And I really don’t want to have to do that.

‘Closer’ – Nine Inch Nails – Fair enough, you may not want to play this at your wedding reception with Grandma in attendance but there’s not much point in being with someone if they don’t feel this way about you and you about them; along with all the other, more poetic stuff. Holding hands and sonnets are lovely but that don’t get the babies made or keep the condom manufacturers in business. It’s stupid to ignore the basic human need to get nasty. Isn’t this the end result of everyone putting up with each other? (Quick question – why is America’s No.1 brand of condoms named after the guys who let the Greeks INTO their impenetrable city? “Ooooh, look! A great big horsey! Let’s haul ‘er in here!” Doesn’t inspire much confidence, I would have thought. This is why I’m a ‘Durex’ girl.)

‘(Home) This Must Be The Place’ – Talking Heads – Home is where the heart is so, if your heart is with your honey and your honey is with you, then you’re lucky. Then home can be anywhere. Awwww…I’m going to make myself puke. (No. I’m caught, good and proper –  a closet romantic.)

‘Uptight (Everything’s Alright)’ – Stevie Wonder – The song’s about a good guy that doesn’t have a lot of dough who meets a posh girl. She doesn’t care that he doesn’t have much in the way of material things because ‘his heart is true’. At first he’s a little ‘Uptight’ about that but she assures him that ‘Everything’s Alright’. See guys? We’re not all money-grubbing whores! Huzzah!

(And a little nod to my girl, Sharon T. – She loves this track.)

‘Goody Two Shoes’ – Adam Ant – Now this is a love I can get fully on-board with: a love of vices and being self-indulgent. Sex, food, vanity, drinking, flirting, smoking, having fun, leather pants; all the really great things that make life worth living (and possibly shorter but all the best parties seem to end far too quickly). There’s a pre-AIDS innocence to this ditty that makes you long to have that time back for a little bit, even if you have to wear piano ties or shoulder pads as punishment. Whitney sang that loving yourself was the ‘Greatest Love of All’ but I think Adam’s unapologetic intent to do what makes him happy is more on the money. The pound note, to be exact.

‘Anyone Else But You’ – The Mouldy Peaches – I tried to hate this song, I really did but Gawd help me, I just couldn’t. “We sure are cute for two ugly people”. Man, that kills me.

‘The Winner Takes It All’ – ABBA – In most people’s lives, there comes the time in one or two relationships when you get The Elbow, The Shaft, Yer Walking Papers, Dumped, told to Hit The Road, and you still have strong feelings for the person who’s Kicking You To The Curb. This is the downside – having your still-beating heart ripped out. It sucks. This is how you usually feel afterward. (It’s not all bad; Gwen Stefani wouldn’t have a career if she hadn’t had her heart smashed into a billion pieces, then sang about it – making the guy who dumped her play these songs over and over again (Bad Times) but very, very rich (Good Times)) Sing out, Sisters!

(They DO look like they’re in the 70’s-Porno-From-Hell but it was the best I found)

‘Yeh, Yeh’ – George Fame and The Blue Flames – Mr. Fame has some romantic advice for boys – you want to get laid? Tonight? Just say “Yeh, Yeh” . Men; we love you but sometimes (often, usually) we love being right more. If some action is on the table, don’t argue with your lady should the opportunity present itself, however tempting it might be, unless it’s absolutely worth it. Cos then you won’t get any lovin’ til the Make-Up Sex, which can be good too but can take awhile.

‘Baby Got Back’ – Sir Mix-A-Lot (Covered by Jonathan Coulton, Paul and Storm) - To me, this IS a Love Song, because, as Billy Haynes – LA Blues Man Extraordinaire said, I am the proud owner of an ’NB’. The ‘B’ stands for ‘Booty’ and I’m not allowed to write what the ‘N’ stands for cos I’m a honky. Putting ‘P.C.’ aside, all chicks with a ‘ba-donk-a-donk, BAM! POW!’ prosterior enjoy that the majority of blokes like looking at it and have love for the ass. Just say something nice about our eyes and/or tell us how smart we are first.

(Paul, Storm and JoCo are also observers of Love Gone Wrong – *SOBS*)

‘My Monkey’ – Jonathan Coulton – This JoCo original says a lot about living with someone, who can see the worst of you. That, sometimes, you forget to mention often enough the simple fact that you truly love this person, even when you’re having a fight or not getting along or sick of the sight of each other or life is stressful. Also, it has a monkey in it, which is why he’s getting two (or, two-and-a-half) shout-outs on this list. (And, no, he’s not referring to ‘his monkey’ as a penis reference. There’s a whole different deal with the monkey. Look it up at his site – Jonathancoulton.com – cos I’ll just explain it wrong)

Before I get to the tenth song, I’d like to make an observation. Generally speaking, male singer/songwriters tend to write the ‘Currently-I’m-In-Love’ songs, whereas women seem to pen more of the ‘It-Was-All-Fine-Until-He-Became-A-Jerk’ type-tunes. I don’t know why this is. I assume Hell Hath No Fury like a Scorned Woman with a Record Deal. Yes. You guessed it. At No. 10…It’s Alanis.

‘You Oughta Know’ – Alanis Morrisette - You can’t hate someone this much and spout this amount of bile without really having it baaaad.

*Thanks to the people who make the videos.